BIG TIPS
JUNE 7, 1996 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE
25
I fear that the Internet is taking my boyfriend away
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone
How long have I had fingernails? Since I was born. And how long have I attended to that personal grooming ritual of clipping them? Definitely over 20 years, after my mom stopped having to chase me with that tiny gleaming tool of hygiene.
So why, I implore you, why must I always them down too short? I get out the wee pare instrument of torture and swear that this time I'll exercise moderation, but then I think, why do it so frequently? If I get 'em right down there, I won't have to do it again for an extra day or two, and I'm off: "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Owow! (thumbnail)” Cleansing breath, "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Owow!" Then I can't pick up change off a table for days, or scratch my itchy spots to any satisfaction. I have the devil in me, and apparently she is not easily clipped out.
Dear Ms. Martone,
I have a problem for the '90s. I think my lover of three years is addicted. Not to booze or drugs, but to the Internet. He finally got a home computer last Christmas, and immediately found the naked men and gay porn sites. I must admit that I'm as horny as the next guy, and initially was quite captured by seeing nude hunks on the screen. I still enjoy getting off on it every once in a while as a fantasy, but I'm afraid my boyfriend has taken it to the extreme. He is currently between jobs and spends most of the day at the terminal sizing up men. Meanwhile our sex has dropped off from four or five times a week to maybe once. Even then it's wham, bam, thank you sir.
What prompted me to finally write is that, he's getting into e-mail and discussion groups. He has found several men with whom
now,
he communicates on a regular basis. He says he plans on meeting with a couple of them soon, and it's understood that the meetings will be for sex.
I have confronted him several times about his addiction to the Internet, but my lover says I'm making a big deal about nothing. For one thing, we have a somewhat open relationship. Since I'm bisexual, I've always had the freedom to sleep with women for sexual release. Likewise, my lover has had the option of finding other men to fuck. However, our primary relationship has always been with each other. We've had sex with others once or twice a year, and only with people we know. No pickups.
My concern now is that his primary relationship now is not with me, but with the computer. I also want to keep sleeping with my boyfriend and am worried he'll forget about safe sex with his computer pickups. How can you help me? I don't want to lose my guy.
Internet Widow
Dear Performing Without a Net,
At risk of making a sharp exit off the info highway and onto a rocky side road, I think your boyfriend has too much free time because he's unemployed. Activities that would lose their fascination in about a half-hour can become a virtual lifestyle when you're procrastinating, or avoiding something anxiety producing, like looking for a job. He may be depressed, lonely and bored, and this provides him with company and an ego boost.
Now, just like I don't love my freezer, but I love me some Ben & Jerry's, your partner is actually hooked on companionship/sex in a novel form, not the demon computer/Internet.
The real drag here seems to be that boyfriend is having less and less sex with you, and not responding to your reminders about how your nonmonogamy has been successful in the past. It's also disturbing that you feel that someone you've been trusting for three years may be putting your life at risk through unsafe sex.
I don't think this is an addiction issue; it seems like a communication one. Sit his butt down and figure out who it's okay to sleep with (and who's off limits), and lay down the law about safety, but for the long run, I'm thinking that when he's working again, this will ease off. Good luck. Dear Tipper,
My problem may sound strange. I'm more promiscuous than I'd like to be. Most days I only have sex with my right hand, but there are times I really let my horniness get the best of me. Over spans of a week or two I'll couple with as many partners as I can, usually strangers I pick up at reliable spots.
Sometimes I have seven or eight different partners a week and more than one on a given day. Granted, this does not occur often, maybe three times a year at most. Still, I cannot control myself. I realize that I am putting myself at risk for HIV and do not have receptive anal sex, but I'm still taking chances.
These bouts occur whether I'm in a serious relationship or not, and have led to a couple of breakups. I feel bad about these times of promiscuity afterwards, but when they're happening, I'm in the zone, and can only think of more. I know some guys who get it more than me, but I do think I'm going overboard. Can you help me break this cycle? Gotta Get It
Dear Get It Right,
Come over here honey, and put on my glasses. Attractive, yes? Even better, I paid a little extra and got the filter that screens out our culture's bad attitudes about sex. What do you see now? A few times a year you get the itch, and it takes a lot to scratch it. That could very well be just the way you're wired. If the sex itself makes you feel guilty, that's your socialization talking. It's naughty to want to have sex, to want it with men, to want it with more than one person, and with more than one person in rapid succession. Cultural problem, not yours.
I'm all for letting urges ebb and flow, and run their natural course. If you're satisfied, you tend not to retain that starvation fixation on whatever you're denying yourself. Sometimes, though, healthful indulgence segues into habit, or in the case of crack, that smoke before Seinfeld gets harder and harder to kick.
The point at which urges become a problem is when you feel you can't stop when you want to. If you're endangering relationships that mean more to you than the brief, frenzied pokefest, that's a problem too. I hate to sound like Ann Landers, but this may take a third (professional) person to help you puzzle out in person. Motivations can be mysterious and deep.
Oh: Big duh, you can get HIV as a top. If I find out you haven't been using condoms religiously, I'm going to pop over and laminate your manhood. Take care of your frisky
ass.
Send your questions to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, OH 44101; or fax to 216-631-1082; or e-mail ChronOhio@aol.com.
You've decided to end the relationship... Now what?
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